Sunday, October 23, 2011

the gym: to be a weirdo or not to be a weirdo

working out is supposed to be a stress reliever.  for most people, that is.  i was  involved in sports as a kid and as a teen, so i should be used to people in a physical setting.  well, i am not. not as an adult anyway. there are so many instances in which i find myself becoming anxious and embarrassed.  for starters, the locker room is a den for awkward interactions.  you are supposed to strut in there and act like the fact that there is a semi-nude senior in your line of vision doesn't startle you. you have to choices, 1. walk by like you didn't even see her and that things like this happen everyday and all day in your life, and 2. look because you are shocked and wind up looking like a weirdo. of course, most people will choose option 1 because that is the nature of the locker room beast, while all along, you are talking quickly in your head as you rush to another area. then there is the issue of the lockers.  the combination lock that i use only fits in select lockers so as i scour the scene for a functional locker, i am filled with anxiety that i won't find one. there are people that put their belongings in the lockers and do not use a lock.  busts my darn chops.  one, the rules say patrons must use a lock.  secondly, if there are unlocked belongings in a locker that suits my lock, i get tempted to remove their things and put them elsewhere.

the gym floor is a sweltering safari. you see machines that look like animals. then there are the people. in one corner you have people stretching and moving in silly and provocative fashion. i was on the treadmill this one weekday evening when i was caught looking at a girl doing some audacious leg moves. it wasn't my fault, she was wearing parachute-ish shorts. i now avoid any eye contact with the 'stretching/movements section.' once i step on a treadmill, i feel like the row behind me is just watching my every move. i lean to the right to block their vision when i am inputting my information into the treadmill settings. i turned 30 a month ago and i still catch myself entering 29. i pout when i realize i am now 30 and then continue on to enter the correct age. snagging the right treadmill is another chore. you want to be sure you get a good one so that the tv screen you are looking at doesn't completely bore you and you want to avoid the one with the broken audio system. i always hold my breath when i get on and off the treadmill, in hopes that i don't fall.  i am also self conscious when i get on those machines with twists and curves.  i am pretty sure i am not getting on right and that someone is laughing at me as i do it.

in between breaks on the machines, my people watching skills are in full swing. perhaps it is the adrenaline or just the entire atmosphere invading my personal space, or both. i start to wonder how many of the burly men lifting dangerous weights have been in prison.  criminal background checks are not required for membership. then you have the friends and couples that work out together and hog the machines.  perhaps i should pair up with someone and score some more metal time.  to be considered.  as long as i don't end up with a stinky treadmill, i will take a buddy. i will eventually formulate a gym identity. until then, as long as i don't stare at people or fall down, i should be okay.

Monday, October 10, 2011

the tea bandit: an update

so, i am proud to announce that i have had success with the tea bandit.
i did not have to get hostile.
i did not have to order my tea in a to go cup.
about two weeks ago my friends and i were at our chinese meeting spot and IT happened.
what happened?
the tea bandit filled everyone's cups and when he got to me, he asked me if i wanted anymore tea.
it was such a touching moment.
we had a connection.
all was done with a smile.
on our second trip to the chinese spot, IT happened again.
but this time, i was patted on the shoulder. not once, but twice.
one could take it as form of assault but i think it was a pat of understanding.
a friendship pat.
but....i did see him intensely hug a patron the last time i was there.
eh, i will just assume it was his sister.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

the tea bandit: a tale of liquid fury

yes, this is my second post regarding tea.
i have a beef with a gent at the chinese restaurant that i frequent.  i, along with my pals, call him the 'tea bandit.' this guy takes refilling tea to a psychotic level.  a lifetime movie level.  most people need a refill when they are about halfway done. tell that to the tea bandit. he is like a cheetah looking for lunch. i am not even two sips into my 'just sweetened to perfection' tea and next thing i know, my tea has been refilled!! it is outrageous. i don't know if he is threatened with severe beatings if he doesn't refill promptly, which doesn't make it less annoying. he lurks and pounces at the most inopportune moments: when you are turned to chat with the person next to you or when you are chewing. my pals and i try to warn each other if we see him rounding the table, but it's hard work. you have to be really quick when you say you don't want a refill too. it is best to put your hand over your cup, granted, you don't knock it over in the rush. a couple of suggestions have been offered. one is ordering our teas in to go cups so that we can have lid protection. another is just verbally assaulting the man for being ridiculous. now, it would be mean to verbally assault the tea bandit because he is so nice when he refills your tea. perhaps, he thinks he is being really helpful or going the extra mile? isn't that what the american people want in this digital age? immediacy? perhaps we can spare him his feelings and just order our teas in to go cups.  if he asks why we have changed our cup option we can tell him that the tea is too good to leave behind.  i will let you all know how that goes.

Monday, August 15, 2011

things were easier when i wasn't a girl

life was much easier when i was a tomboy.
love: football, beer, wings, loud music, cursing, and dumb stuff.
clear lip gloss, gel on the curls, and sporting a t-shirt that wasn't too dirty, at least obviously dirty.
but within the past year, i have become addicted to red lipstick, earrings and hair straighteners. if i am out and about, i must have my revlon certainly red stashed in my pocket. i use anything with a reflective surface as a mirror to put on my lipstick. no limits. as for earrings, they are a must. feeling my ears without them is worse than thinking i left my wallet on a grocery shopping cart. okay, almost worse than that, but it's close.
my beloved hair straightener died last week. so sad. it wasn't even expensive, i think that's why i respected it so much. a humble little thing performing grand gestures for a gal like myself. i came home from work and saw my little straightener in a horrible predicament. it was cracked. cracked as if a person full of rage had thrown it on the floor. a travesty. i still don't know how it happened. i kind of don't want to know, too painful.
so, i headed over to a beauty supply store. i walked in and i was immediately overwhelmed. there were hair products all over the place and i had no idea which straightener was the one for me. luckily, a few friends had suggested a couple of ceramic plated contenders. the customers were professional shoppers. surely, some were salon owners or stylists but it was still intense. they walked in and just picked things off the shelves like they were raiding the joint. the line grew at cheetah pace and the dang cashiers were chatting and bonding with their regulars and there i was, in need of assistance. lost in a world of iron and animal print totes. i was NOT leaving without a straightener though. i went with the contender that had received the most positive reviews. curly hair to straight hair is no laughing matter.
i wish i could say that was the end of my harsh realization that i'm a girl saga.
so, the next morning i was using my new straightener and the next thing i know, i am pinching the skin on my neck between the plates vs my hair. i was horrified and in pain. i knew it would leave a ridiculous mess on my neck. i almost fainted with dramatic flair but i kept it together. most people would have just stopped fussing with the hair for that moment.
but i didn't.
i still had the rest of the initially intended section to cover and it was almost time for me to leave for work.
i continued on, pinching hair right next to the burned area of my neck. i went to work and had what looked like a vampire hickey.
but my hair looked great!


Friday, July 15, 2011

coming soon - margaritas!

friday.
dinner and drinks after work.
delicious and necessary.
so, it's 5pm and my friend and i are ready to unwind.
we go to las palapas. a mexican restaurant. now with that said, one would assume, that a mexican restaurant with a spanish name and a staple in san antonio culture would be a homerun. wrongggg. we are determined to try a dos rita. we have been told that this restaurant has them. now, perhaps we should have been specific and verified if this specific location served them. perhaps...but i refuse to take blame for this incident.
we are excited, anxious and two seconds away from hoisting our fists in the air to celebrate surviving the week when the waitress comes up to us and asks what we want. and what do we want? a flippin' dos rita, lady! i ask her for one and she looks at me as if i have ordered something in german. bad start. she then tells me that they don't carry them, don't carry margaritas of any kind, and that they don't even carry draft beer. what the deuce??! at this point we ask her to leave us alone for a minute. we couldn't even look at her but we felt obligated to eat the chips and salsa, which happened to be tasty. no dos rita?? our entire evening was de-reiled. as we are dealing with our shock and disappointment we glance up and see a sign that read: coming soon margaritas! seriously? as if margaritas were new to mexican culture? might as well have had a sign that read: coming soon - ice cubes in your drinks!
we venture on to chacho's. yes, they have dos ritas here. they better have them. if they didn't, i was about to move to alabama and then at least i would be happy to go to any mexican restaurant and settle for whatever they served. so, we get our dos ritas and the bartender didn't give us a damn cherry in our drinks. yes, it is trivial. i don't care, i deserved a little flair. i noticed that we didn't get cherries because some other customers that had ordered from the main counter got cherries and other fruity delights in their drinks. i am sure there was ample room for a stupid little bowl of cherries for our drinks. we also had pina coladas and no cherries! now, THAT drink was not the same without a cherry in it. my drink looked like a big glass of frozen ensure or oatmeal without it. despite its lack of island innocence, they were good drinks. good laughs. good music. we were still happy. we did not give up and we were rewarded and i was able to stay in san antonio.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

passion tea

my friends don't believe me when i tell them that i am a shy gal. sure, i can be quite the jokester and i have a loud laugh but i am honestly shy. when it comes to guys, at least.
i have the worst dating skills in bexar county history. i make everything about the dating scene awkward. i analyze every physical movement, create several scenarios like 'maybe he was looking at the girl behind me' or 'what if he is a serial killer?' by the time i leave wherever i am at, i have high blood pressure, have more than likely run into a chair and am in need of my inhaler.
i am drawn to nerds.
it's a tough crowd because many of them are shy and awkward too. great.
so, my silliness was at a critical point today. i was a little excited about the waiter during our family lunch. luckily, i wasn't wearing my usual jeans and t-shirt attire. i got dolled up since we were going to church and i felt the urge to kick it up a notch. i just bought a new blouse in a new color.  limeyellow. a new color to me, since i am always in black.
yes, it is hot as hades outside and it would be normal for someone to be super thirsty, but having about six glasses of tea can seem excessive and rather suspicious to some folks.
he was so dreamy and hearing him speak so gently in spanish to my family gave it a spanish telenovela feel. my food sucked. the chicken i ordered frightened me. it was charbroiled chicken marinated with a garlic cilantro sauce. i envisioned a clear-ish type of sauce but when i got my food, it looked like there was moss on my dang chicken breast. luckily the rice and the beans were good. it didnt' really matter if i liked the chicken or not. i was already planning my engagement party and thinking of what our kids would look like. okay, so maybe i wasn't REALLY thinking of all those things but....
i was on my best behavior. kept my curse words in my mind and not on my tongue. used a fork AND a knife.   had my napkin on my lap. my first refill was one of innocence and necessity. it was a justified refill. of course, his courtesy on the first refill and his green eyes made it so pleasant that a second refill was deemed a certainty. i tend to exaggerate when it comes to a person's reaction but for once, i was actually witnessing some flirtation being thrown my way. he was attentive and might i add that he touched my shoulder with concern? YES, a touch. serious.
so throughout the lunch, i was downing tea like a dehydrated camel would drink water. every refill was filled with some form of concern, kindness, and spanish telenovela tension. i managed to get through my my mossy charbroiled chicken. mostly, because i scraped most of the moss off but the tea masked most of the intense taste. it was a fun little ride, i must admit.
now, a bunch of tea = a bunch of pee. i know, that was dumb, but i couldn't resist. and i liked it. no apologies.
i didn't want to get up and walk to the restroom because i tend to hit chairs with my hips when i am nervous. plus, it was really far away, so it was quite the gamble. i was doing pretty well on my acting like a lady skills so i refused to jeopardize my run. i just smiled and kept drinking.
the check rolled along and my noon romance was nearing its end.
gratuity was already included and i expressed my own gratitude with an additional tip. rebel.
goodbye smiles and thanks were exchanged.
i still had to tinkle. and i mean TINKLE. the drive home was a little stressful, there were some bumps and extended pauses so it was an ordeal. i got home in one piece and i thought i was seconds away from freedom when i walk towards the restroom and there is someone in there!!
what the flip?! hence....
that's what i get for being so sleazy after church during a family lunch.
excess and passion and consequence.
physical discomfort and panic.
and would i do it again?
you bet your tail i would.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

overpowered at the ping pong table-well, almost overpowered...

last night was a treat. i hung out with one of my favorite friends. we met at our usual hangout. we had the house special. turkey sandwich with avocado and fries. as usual, our evening was peppered with silliness and awkwardness. the live band was weird. not an 'artsy' weird. just weird. the more than middle-aged male lead singer kept making a gyrating leg move while singing his bluegrass jams. it was not an elvis presley on ed sullivan leg move. just a leg gyration. i can't complain too much though. the last time we were there, the band was belting out 'let's all love each other and praise nature' jams. in addition to paying a cover, for which i want to be refunded, the waitress pranced around the restaurant with a tip pitcher for the band. there was a group of women who got up in lillith fair fashion and began swaying and dancing in a circle. then, it got worse. all of a sudden, a large dog was on the dancefloor. it was a beast of a dog. i don't know much about dogs, but it was as big as a horse. one of the flower power chicks was dancing with this dog. it was all too much.
back to last night..
so after we had our house specials, got visually assaulted by the band, and got overheated because the a/c was lame, we went outside. luckily, the ping pong table was left unattended. waiting for us. there were a few people outside, in groups of three. nothing too crazy. my friend and i were excited to partake in this new adventure at our hangout. a new chapter in the memory books. i had just picked up the paddle and was about to make my way to the other end of the table when this littly boy popped out of nowhere. an adolescent ambush. he was probably nine or ten years old. he was wearing a rather mature outfit: a white t-shirt with some print that i have seen on t-shirts for teens, long denim shorts, bright white sneakers, and a slicked back with a lot of gel hairstyle. despite his appearance, his demeanor was very childlike. scary childlike. twins in The Shining childlike.
with his hand stretched out towards the paddle in my hand, he asked, "can i play??"
at this moment i was shocked at his rudeness, annoyed that he interrupted my carefree moment, overwhelmed with the obligation of having to be nice because he was a kid and frightened by the blank look in his eyes and the man standing about ten feet way. i assume he was his father but i am not certain. he looked scary too. he had pretty much the same outfit on as 'junior' but his t-shirt was navy blue. he looked angry and violent. at first, he mumbled something to the child from afar and then said to the child, "we are leaving already." after 'pops' said that, 'junior' just turned and walked away and they both left.
stunned by what had just happened, i walk to the other end of the table and wait for my friend to serve, i don't know ping pong terms but i played volleyball in my heyday. we are ten minutes into our game and guess who walks in to the patio area??
yes, 'junior' and 'pops!'
after all the drama at the ping pong table, they head straight to the basketball court and play like there is no tomorrow. for a second i thought they were back for revenge or to loiter around the table until we coughed up the paddles, but they ignored us. i will admit i felt a little guitly for not offering the kid a chance to play.
then i thought "welcome to the jungle kid, stay on the lookout and get your own dang paddle next time!"